The concept for my ritual is rooted in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) specifically the Flash Technique (FT). I used FT in one of my treatments for PTSD intending to be able to move through traumatic memories while staying grounded and reducing distress. My therapist would count to a number such as five or more often three before telling me to blink to ground me into the present and prevent me from falling into the past.
The process behind the three-minute compression of my ritual was an emotionally and technically difficult process. To get into the emotional headspace of trying to reconnect to the innocence of childhood, I viewed some old videos of me that were posted on my mother’s Facebook. Watching these videos was done only with the intent of trying to remember what I had lost but ended up becoming a crucial element to the narrative of my video. Juxtaposing these clips with shots of my losing control was done to visualize this state of constant searching for a childhood that I can barely remember. The sounds of my carefree laughter literally and metaphorically fade into the shadows of my trauma. Additionally, I would end up looking back and utilizing footage taken in places that hold a lot of traumatic memories in them which triggered a lot of the emotions the ritual is intended to heal. Rather than trying to completely restrain the emotions I was experiencing I chose to shoot much of the footage during this time. The act of filming kept me grounded enough that I did not spiral into a dissociative state but kept me on the edge enough to channel (or attempt to convey) these emotions through the camera.
I believe the reflection upon old clips, that bring up a spectrum of distress and nostalgia, helped alleviate some of the technical difficulties. My experience in film primarily is in filming other people rather than myself. Therefore getting the angles I wanted was a painstaking process of positioning my half-broken tripod in a small space. The amount of equipment moving it took to get these shots was such a frustrating process that it was difficult to generate enough motivation to position the frames in a range of long shots and close-ups. However, I felt that incorporating a range of distance between myself and the camera was essential for creating the atmosphere of the film.
The rituals I use to stay grounded in the present as much as possible rather than spending my life in a dissociative state are an exhausting, emotional, and (currently) seemingly endless process. The intent was therefore to build the film up to a climax of me slowly climbing towards control over my mind only to be sucked back into the past having to start the ritual all over again. I hoped through the use of layered clips, music, and color grading I could communicate the struggles of dealing with some of my mental struggles such as dissociation and PTSD. Keeping the beginning and ending the same, the viewer is left with the same dialogue and shots I started with showing that the ritual is a repeating cycle of hope and grief.
VOICEOVER: 1,2,3 Blink
1, 2, 3, Blink.
I will not retreat into the depths of my mind.
The mind. A playground for shadowed memories their voices echoing in the breeze. Like children, they join hands, dancing in a ring around you, taunting you with the haunting melodies of your past.
1, 2, 3, Blink.
Awaken and ground yourself in the rhythm of your heartbeat, a song that sings of survival. Light beams through your red curtains in a fiery blaze reminding you that another night has passed. Reach out and touch it. Feel the warmth of the sun as it seeps into your palm illuminating the stains of darkness you carry. Feel the burn of the rubber band you keep on your wrist as you pull it back and let it fly.
1,2,3,Blink
The chains of your memory fall from your wrists and you are free.
He is not there, they are not here. It is just you.
Walk with yourself, rock the child within you who still cries for comfort. Fill the space with a desperate prayer. Each bead that passes through your fingers, is an attempt to pass the pain to your god. Your words that once begged for mercy are now a plea for a moment to breathe.
1,2,3, Blink.
Your breath moves freely no longer trapped in your chest by a hand masking your screams.
Take your body back. No hands are touching you but those formed in your mother’s womb. Scrub away the marks left behind by shadows that cling to your skin. Wipe away the remnants of the nightmares that haunt your slumber.
Inhale, exhale. Blink, blink, blink
The control you gained is slipping through your fingers like sand.
He is here, they are there, it is not just you. You are back in the playground of shadows where you spend your days looking for a childhood that slipped away. The sound of your innocent laughter fades amidst the choir of despair echoing within the cathedral of your memory.
1,2,3, Blink
Embrace the allure of surrender. Take the medicine that muffles the echoing cries in the depths of your mind.
In the rivers of your veins chemicals flow, keeping you in the now until you are ready for the ritual to start again.
1, 2, 3, Blink.
I will not retreat into the depths of my mind.
The mind. A playground for memories their haunting voices whispering in the breeze.
